Mike Newton: Vampire Slayer
by Simaril
Summary: A glimpse into the world of Mike Newton's diary and his mission to kill the Cullens. Crackfic. Snark abound.


_***crawls out from hiding place* Um… Hi, guys. It's been a while, right. My absence from the Twilight fandom is the fault of Snarkymuch and Gredelina1. They introduced me to a show called Supernatural and it stole my heart. I am still a TwiHard but my writing life has been dedicated to SPN for the time being. Incidentally, if you're into SPN too and want some fic, my penname is Clowns or Midgets and I have 22 stories on my profile. As far as Twilight fic goes, I have half of a long fic called Girl In The Meadow written, and one day I will complete it, as it's my favorite piece ever. **_

_**Back to Mike Newton — Vampire Slayer… I was chatting with IAmTheAlleyCat today on Twitter** _**— who incidentally, beta'd this piece, so thank you Alley — _and it got me thinking about a one-shot I was writing before I fell into the Supernatural fandom. This isn't it. That one was a parody of The Meadow, but when I tried to finish, it came out crappy. I was looking through my files though, and found this. It was a Secret Santa gift exchange for TheaJ1 back in 2011. I don't know why I never posted it, but here it is. A short, snarky drabble for you to — hopefully — enjoy._**

* * *

**_Mike Newton - Vampire Slayer_**

Dear Diary,

I have worked it out at last. I knew there was something up with that mop-head Cullen, now I know what; he's a vampire.

I was watching Buffy the Vampire Slayer, as I do most evenings when I have a bit of peace and a chair jimmied under the door, paying a little attention to myself — Jess still hasn't lifted the boob ban, dear Diary. I find that Buffy makes a perfect background to the action.

So I was watching and another mop-headed weirdo arrived on the screen. This one had an even more ridiculous name than Cullen. Angel.

It got me to thinking. In fact, the moment was so powerful little Mike was forced to go without to allow me to think fully.

That Angel guy had ridiculous hair—just like Cullen. He was freakishly pale—just like Cullen. And he had all the women on the screen falling at his feet—just like... Well, you get the idea.

I did a little research. There was this awesome site called A-Z of vampires. Its tagline was: What you need to know if you're being stalked by an albino. It had a whole list of things to look for, and pale skin and good teeth were just some of them. Admittedly, I haven't seen Cullen's teeth up close, but he sometimes does that weird smile/snarl thing at me, and I noticed they are very even.

Tomorrow, dear Diary, I am going to test my theory.

Love,

_Mikey_

* * *

Dear Diary,

I knew it! He is a vampire. I even heard him talking about it to Bella! He tried to mask the conversation as being about her lunch choice, but I know there is a reason he didn't want her eating the garlic bread, and it has nothing to do with bad breath. Though that is a consideration, kissing Jessica was a test of my gag reflex today. The girl stunk.

So, now that I have my theory confirmed, I need to bring the other guys in on this. We must learn to protect ourselves.

Love,

_Mikey_

P.S. Note to self: search out that crucifix Grandma gave me.

* * *

Dear Diary,

Bringing the guys in on the secret did not go well. They were amused and, in some cases, just plain mean.

Ben was the only one who stopped laughing long enough to form a rational sentence. He pointed out that Cullen and his family are out during the day and, according to his comics, that should kill them. What an idiot. Everyone knows comics are fiction! Anyway, they make real good sunscreen these days. Those bloodsuckers could slap on the factor 50 and be just fine.

I couldn't convince them to help me, so I am going it alone.

I, Michael Newton, must become Mike the Vampire Slayer.

Love,

_Mikey_

* * *

Dear Diary,

I'm exhausted. I stayed up all night watching old Buffy episodes. From what I have seen, she either does a couple of back flips then pokes them in the chest, or she falls in love with them. I am going to practice my back flips in the morning.

Love,

_Mikey_

* * *

Dear Diary,

Back flips are not easy and can cause concussion. That's what the ER doctor said anyway. My mom thinks I am on drugs because of it.

I tried to explain that I was preparing myself to fight vampires, but she seemed to think that was proof of my crime.

Geez, she'll owe me a big apology when I have killed the Cullens.

Love,

_Mikey_

* * *

Dear Diary,

My concussion has gone, and I'm allowed to go to school again—and to shower alone, but the less said about that the better.

I went to school sporting my crucifix and a string of garlic. The Cullens laughed all through the lunch break, occasionally casting me threatening/amused glances.

I went by the church after school and swapped out some Holy Water for juice boxes. It's not stealing if you leave something in its place, right?

Tomorrow, I begin my first task as a slayer. I am going to sizzle the skin off the hot blonde.

Love,

_Mikey_

* * *

Dear Diary,

Holy water didn't work. I got a detention for 'acting out' and a kick in the shin from the hot blonde. She didn't like being doused in Holy Water apparently.

On the plus side, she was wearing a white t-shirt, and there was a lot of water involved.

Can't write more tonight, dear Diary. I have a wonderful image of a dripping wet Rosalie Hale to make use of.

Love,

_Mikey_

* * *

Dear Diary,

Boy, my hands are tired.

Love,

_Mikey_

* * *

Dear Diary,

Couldn't say more last night, my hands were tired from whittling all those stakes. I may even develop carpal tunnel syndrome. It will be worth it, though. I noticed from my Buffy marathon that a stake through the chest seems to be the best way to deal with vampires, so I have filled my backpack with stakes and ,tomorrow, I am taking them down.

Starting with Bella.

Love,

_Mikey_

* * *

Dear Diary,

Sorry I haven't written for so long. It's hard to write when both your arms are in plaster.

So, as I am sure you've guessed, things didn't quite go according to plan.

Turns out Bella is not a vampire. More importantly, you shouldn't try to stab someone with a pointy wooden stick as it can result in some serious ass kicking from her boyfriend. Luckily, she wasn't hurt too badly.

Things I learned from this experience.

1\. No more jacking off to teen TV shows.

2\. The Cullens and Bella are not vampires, no matter how pale and freaky they may be. The fact they all disappeared in the middle of the night to go live in LA is perfectly reasonable behavior.

3\. When sneaking into a church to steal Holy Water, make sure you aren't being watched—it earns you 200 hours of community service.

4\. Sympathy will get you everywhere. Jess has lifted the boob ban, so I have no more use for Buffy anyway.

Life, dear Diary, is good.

Love,

_Mikey_

* * *

_**Thanks for reading. **_

_**Simaril xxx **_


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